Mop-Up RAW 04.02.01 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up RAW

That was worthless. Throughout all your rambling, I almost missed the actual mop up raw, which you dragged on to unbearable lengths with your aside remarks which only you seem to find funny. While I did not read your entire mop up, due to it being horrible, I have to take pity on you for wasting your time and everyone elses who will have the unfortunate luck, as I did, to read your horrid attempts at being a writer. May God have mercy on your soul.

-411wrestling Reader- Jihad82@aol.com

I doubt God cares very much about this. He might be interested in a guy who's screen name is "Jihad" tho'

Dear God, you're full of sh*t. I'll spare you the crap about how long I've been reading, yadda yadda yadda because you frankly don't give a shit about the people who got you where you are. Before you declare yourself the "winner" of the "feud" between you and (edited, you know who it is), ask YOURSELF this. Who, of the two of you, addressed everything in an intelligent, calm way, and who used the word "gay" upteenmillion times? You used to be hillarious, Hyatte, but now you just flat-out suck. I've never seen a less intelligent response to something in my life... you sound like a damn yapping chihuahua, man. Even worse, you sound like a bitter old man flailing for some sense of victory to make up for the failure in your life. And I must say, if it's a choice between "ten people" that have more than three brain cells in their head and a mass of mentally retarded rednecks who only read you to hear you make talk about sticking things in other men's asses, I'll pick the ten people. Then again, like calls to like, doesn't it? Get over yourself. Or screw your mother's corpse some more, I don't care.

Guardian978@aol.com 

I think I'll choose the screwing of Mommy's corpse. And you're a homo!

Hey there. I'm, Chris and this is the Mop-Up. This is it. No two parters, no breaking up into two recaps. In fact, I don't even have to call it Mop-Up RAW anymore... just "The Mop-Up" will suffice, wouldn't it?

Well no, because starting next week, there will be TWO Mop-Ups posted on Wednesday... or maybe even Tuesday! I'll save the surprise for next week, but I think a good chunk of you will like it. Or maybe not. I guess we'll see. But hey, I'm trying something new, at least.

I'll tell you this much, the new Mop-Up will have NOTHING to do with wrestling! See how that bites ya'.

Okay, we've got openers and closers and a whole recap IN ONE BUNDLE!!! Soooo why don't we get going? Endless ramblings have been patiently waiting all week to strut their stuff in front of you.... LET THEM WAIT NO LONGER!!!

First of all (Nash is God), there will be NO "feuds" this week. Once again, I am reminded that you people like them in small doses and small doses only. Besides, it seems that I bitchspanked the fight right out of the last guy who thought he could "take me down". Hmmph, too easy.

I WILL say that Scaia apparently has SKIPPED his famous April Fool's column for this year. Jeeze Ricky, after ALL THE WEEKS I spent promoting it and getting people pumped and ready for the big GOT'CHA! column. This is how he pays me back? Punk skunk ass. Just for that, I won't make fun of him until sometime AFTER (like, maybe 30 seconds after) Wrestleline shuts down (I heard their contract ends in May). Not that he would even notice.... I mean, I'm so IRRELEVANT that he doesn't even KNOW I'm around, right? Not doing the April Fool's thing is just a COINCIDENCE, right? (Oh I am not making any new friends by doing this, am I?) 

This weeks And Another Thing is NOT on the front page.... and I don't like that ONE BIT!!! Anyway, it's buried, but it's there and it's about my favorite part of Wrestlemania. I loved the whole show, top to bottom, but there was one tiny part that was particularly special. It seems to have gone overlooked so far, so I just wanted to make sure it was brought to your attention. Go read it just to see that I can write good". "(inside joke... one that I would explain, yet I refuse to discuss anything found in Geocities)

This week's closer is about WM X 7 and what I found cool about it. Next week, I'll knock off this love fest I have going with business and do a non-wrestling closer about something funny.

Nice to see that the great A1 wrestling site finally updated the links to my columns. Lord knows I'm the only guy who keeps to his word and returns the plug favor.

And some big props to the Slash site. Because me and the Pooh Jew are mortal enemies.

I'll leave the hard WM thoughts for the closer, but looking over my picks to win the thing, (listed at the very end of last week's Nitro recap, so I guess none of you even KNEW I made picks... f-ing a-holes), I wrote:

Austin wins at Wrestlemania. HHH wins. Angle wins. Raven escapes with a win. The Hardyz break up as E & C wins. Tazz wins. Shane wins. Chyna wins then spits on the chick title. Test wins. Jericho wins. And Pete Rose wins the battle royal by posing as the Gobbly Gooker costume.

I did okay.... Raven was mashed, HHH took the pin (God bless the big nose for that), E & C won but no Hardy bust up, Chyna didn't spit after winning, Test lost, Pete Rose no showed AND the Gooker was the second or third gimmick tossed out. I DID say that Linda AND Trish would help Shane win.... but let's face it, a f-ing message board douche could see that coming a mile away.

THANK GOD ALL MIGHTY THAT BITCH JERRI WAS TOSSED OFF OF SURVIVOR!!!! OH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO PISSED IF SHE STAYED! You will notice that Colby fought to keep her on, still thinking to ride the hatred she has going to million dollar glory. He's a playa, no doubt. He's going to win it, I think.... which sucks, since the prick looks like Brad Pitt, has the body of Jean Claude Van Dam, and will probably have his PICK of any actress and supermodel he wants to screw. That boy's in for a very lovely year or two.

I DO hear that there is a tape circulating of Colby doing Jerri on the island. Apparently, the cameras found him doggy banging her over a log in the dead of night. Can't wait to see that one pop up on the Net. The girl is a hottie.... she's a cee word, but she's a HOT cee word.

Anyone notice how DARK this year's The Sopranos has been so far? Really brutal stuff. I guess this year is their Empire Strikes Back phase.

Go rent Bring It On.... awesome flick.... stacked babes in cheerleader outfits. This bitch, Eliza Dushku ("Faith" from Buffy).... man, she's so sleazyhot.... she's the kind of girl who you can stick her face in your unflushed toilet while violating her with the plunger.... and she'd LOVE IT!!!!! Some of these confused broads get all upset.... and call the cops.... and file suits.... jeeze, get over yourselves.

FINALLY, a couple of weeks ago I asked exactly what the Rock meant when he called Stephanie a "Hood Rat Trick" was. Out of all the answers received, my man Rodney Fonville gave the best definition.... so, for all you white boys from the suburbs still sucking on Mom and Dad's wallet.... for all you cherries who think Eminem is ghetto.... unlearn all the white man taught you and jack THIS:

A hoodrat is generally a chick from the ghetto, or rather the 'hood, who is basically all about trying to get what she can however way she can. They are looked down upon big time, the brothers will hang out with them and sex 'em down, but that's about it. The rats are all the while thinking they can persuade the brothers into giving them money, getting their hair and nails done, paying their electric bills, car note, cell phone bill, etc. They don't really have a lot of class, and if you actually decide to take one out in public to like Red Lobster or Fridays or something(it don't take much), you will hit the ass. Guaranteed. Or guarandamnteed, as Rocky puts it. 

You know all those chicks the rappers talk about in their songs? That's who they are referring to. Me being originally from the 'hood, I've run into a couple of them in my day. Its not really a bad thing to associate with them, but never, ever actually develop feelings for one. You will be labeled a "buster" really quick. I guess its okay to actually develop a relationship with one in some instances, but I've yet to run into a situation that warrants it. Its all hit it and split. Get in and get out, just like a bank robber! Its a game to see if you can get the sex, and giving away the smallest amount of money as possible in the process. So by Rocky's definition, he's just basically calling her the same things Jericho called her, only shorter.

There ya' go, homies! A little knowledge dropped in yo' domes! MESSAGE!!!!! My thanks to Rodney. Rest assured, the next time someone tries to jack MY car, I'll be screaming, "BUT I KNOW RODNEY FONVILLE!!!! RODNEY'S MY BOY!!!!!"

So, to bring things full circle.... Eliza Dushku is my ultimate fantasy Hood Rat Trick! 

Aaaaand, that's it. Fresh out of openers. Well, if I REALLY wanted to, I could squeeze a few more nuggets out.... but no.... less is more.... yes.... less is more. It's not how much you have, it's what you do with it.... at least that's what the Hooker I had last Saturday told me (OHHH).

RAW IS WAR: (or: Just wake me when Flair shows up.)

-WWF: One World. I hear the WCW logo has stationed itself in the Titan Towers parking lot with a sign that reads, "USE ME, SHANE!"

-opening theme... there is no video packages because the nigh5t after Wrestlemania is THE FIRST NIGHT OF THE BOOKING YEAR!!! Clean slate, start over, and make that slow build to NEXT WM.... my Lord, it's an endless circle.... never stops.... never ever EVER stops.... never ever EVER stops.... never ever EVER stops.... never ever EVER stops.... never ever EVER stops.... never ever EVER stops.... never ever EVER stops.... never ever EVER stops.... 

-A little irony to kick off things.... and you will notice that I am back to shortening my "...."s, but instead of three, I am chucking the proverbial middle finger and placing FOUR in there.... just a little F-You.

-Jim Ross welcomes us to Fort Worth, Texas. Dallas's red headed stepchild. So much so that we might as well call it Dallas and I'll dig into my old, (oh so old) bag of tricks and break out some old (oh God, so old) DALLAS HUMOR!!!!

-well, not really "humor", but .... whatever it is, it is....

-Ah Dallas.... single handily responsible for the death of JFK, the career or Charlene Tilton, the existence of Dennis Rodman, the death of every known Von Erich, the deterioration of Larry Hagman's liver, the deterioration of Larry Hagman's hairline and the dreck of professional sports, the Dallas Cowboys!!! 

-Quick, how does EVERY SINGLE COWBOY FAN respond to any and all criticism? 

-Normal, regular person, "Hey man, the Cowboys suck!" 

-Scumwad Cowboys fan, "Yeah? Well HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?"

-Normal, regular person, "Aikman is overrated!" 

-Scumwad Cowboys fan, "Yeah? Well HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?"

-Normal, regular person, "They have no rush defense and their special teams are among the worst!"

-Scumwad Cowboys fan, "Yeah? Well HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?"

-Normal, regular person, "GW Bush is setting the country up for economical disaster with his new tax plan and is infuriating almost every other Country with his brash posing as leader of the whole world!"

-Scumwad Cowboys fan, "Yeah? Well HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?"

-Normal, regular person, "Ryan Leaf? ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR MIND BY EVEN CONSIDERING RYAN LEAF???"

-Scumwad Cowboys fan, "Yeah? Well HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?"

-Normal, regular person, "I F**KED your Daughter with a used condom and made your wife AND parents watch, assh**e!"

-Scumwad Cowboys fan, "Yeah? Well HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?"

-Welcome to Dallas. (Ryan Leaf, what are they thinking?)

-WWF New York is PACKED.... Oh.... oh dear God no.... Jimmy Snuka is STILL there.... look in the background and you can see him bussing tables.... lo' how the mighty have fallen.

-Ross states that Steve Austin has turned TRAITOR!!! TRAITOR, I SAY and has sold his soul to "Satan, himself". (you know.... I think I did too, but I'm so freaked out about it that I can't even bring myself to discuss it.... and you know I discuss EVERYTHING.... for real. Actually, I KNOW I didn't, really.... or so I keep telling myself over and over.... well, it's a loooong story)

-Would Satan REALLY go with that hairstyle and those open throat, retro seventies shirts? I always thought the BEST Satan was Viggo Morteson (MorGeson?) in The Prophesy... that interpretation of the Fallen One put the "ants" in "crapped my pants".

-BIG sign that reads, "AUSTIN SOULED OUT".... what a boob.

-To kick things off, we get Stephanie McMahon.... we get a long look at her video theme, where she dresses all "porno trashy". Her hair is straightened and Alanis Morrisette-ish... which is MILES BETTER than that silly krinkled up 'do.

-OH, her face is so.... fresh and shiny.... so pure. Like a newborn babe. She is holding a leather strap. I should mention this fact.... in lieu of the usual crack about how I like to "come across" the face of all newborn babies in another bid to be "outrageous" to which you all are accustomed to, thus jaded. 

-Steph gets on the stick and HERE COMES THOSE "INTO TO ACTING" LESSONS!!! In fact, it looks like Steph will give her "Movement for Actors" lessons a work-out.

-She said that last night, Trish Stratus had the nerve to slap her dad "RIGHT IN THE FACE!?!?!" (mock outrage, making sure the camera gets a full view of her "Can you believe the audacity?" expression)

-She drops the mic to her side, and looks at the crowd in shock.

-After all her Dad has done for Trish, how DARE SHE!

-BUT, as Trish well knows, payback is a BITCH (hard sneer to sell that although she is talking about PAYBACK, she ACTUALLY mean HERSELF)

-Not only is Stephanie going to KICK Trish's ass (confidant smirk), she's going to WHIP it (holding the whip out, for all to see, thus showing that she mean "whip" in a LITERAL sense!)

-So, Steph has requested, and has been granted a Whipping match (vocally emphasize, as it is the entire point of the monologue.... much like how Olivier said, "To BE or not to BE? THAT is the question!")

-"In THIS VERY RING!" (Pointing to the ground after every word)

-"But tonight is not about.... (rolls her eyebrows and smirks, as if such an idea is utterly FOOLISH) Trish Stratus".... this is about someone of importance! (carefully enunciating each syllable, because, after all.... it's "of IMPORTANCE")

-She brings out her father... introducing him in traditional ring announcer style.... begin strongly, end strongly, "VInce mcMAHHOONNNN".... 

-Out comes Vinnie Mac, with a gift wrapped box! No, not a vagina with a bow stuck to it, a REAL box!

-Daughter and Father hug.... we'll let guys who THINK they are funny (helloOOO Bruce Mitchell) make the incest jokes.

-Dear Loser, Co**head Hyatte! Bruce Mitchell is hilarious, AND he kicks YOUR lazy, fat never-been-laid ass when it comes to serious writing. He doesn't know who you are and probably wouldn't care, so stop embarrassing yourself by comparing yourself to him, you unfunny IDIOT! (there, I thought I'd beat you to the punch.)

-Stephanie loudly mouths "I love you" to her Daddy, making sure the camera sees this personal moment AND saying it slowly to make sure the audience has no doubt what she said. (I'm telling you, this is basic, Community College-style acting here!)

-Steph leaves.... secure in the knowledge that the bad overacting will NOW continue (and she really is horrible) with her father.

-Vince says a few words, then waits out a messy "Asshole" chant.

-Getting going, Vince says that he's there tonight because he has the privilege of "personally handing the World Wrestling Federation title over tonight to "Stone Cold Steve Austin". (Bitter enemies who feuded for over 2 years but now are all chummy chummy.... can't wait to see how the explain THIS one away!)

-Vince admitted that yes, Trish Stratus, "a woman whom I.... heaped lavish gifts on.... diamond rings, fur coats slapped me in the face!" 

-Fur coats slapped him in the face? Well, next time he should KILL THEM first before making clothing out of them!

-OR: Fur coats slapped him in the face? Once my underwear tried to crawl all the way into my bum bum.... I fought the sumbitch for a good 6 hours.... last time I ever drop two tabs of acid on a dare, by God. 

-Vince does his own scenery chewing when bringing up "my.... (big sneer, MAJOR drop in tone) wife.... Linda."

-Vince, "My wife, now.... now get this.... hauls off.... and kicks me.... in.... in the GONADS!!!" (Oh God, WHAT FAILED THESPIAN IS GIVING THE MCMAHON'S ACTING TIPS AND WHY HASN'T JIMMY LIPTON STRUNG HIM OUT BY HIS NUTSACK RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE ACTOR'S STUDIO???)

-Honestly, if there was any justice, Lipton would take this HACK who is teaching these people how to ham it up and plunge a hot poker in his eye, all the while screaming, "LET'S HEAR YOUR FAVORITEE CURSEWORD, YA BASTARD!!!!!!"

-for the record, none of my James Lipton references has EVER gotten a response from you, but I like them, so pfffffth.

-Vince, "What kind of a woman would DO such a thing?" (ALL OF THEM!!!! EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!!!! SLUTS!!! BITCHES!!!!! HOOD RAT TRICKS!!!!!)

-Vince runs down what happened in his match. Foley nailed him.... his son. He eats up PRECIOUS time describing it, obviously CONFIDANT that no one would switch to.... aw shit.

-Vince said that he's STILL in a good mood (he didn't like Jerri either?), because for the show, he had promised something "shocking" (Yup, and I'm STILL amazed that Shawn Stasiak is still actively employed), and he delivered.... Stone Cold and Vince McMahon standing TOGETHER at Wrestlemania!

-Moving along, he said that he had a chance to hear the play by play for the match.... and he heard Jim Ross go ballistic. Dropping down to the ring table, Vince asked Ross point break, "Did you, or did you not call Stone Cold Steve Austin a 'SOB'!" (Ross said, "Aw hell NO!".... which, technically, is the TRUTH.... he said "sonofabitch" a few dozen times.... but NEVER directly at Austin)

-Vince then asked Ross if he said Austin sold his soul to "Satan, himself?" Ross proudly stated, "You damn RIGHT!!" (If this leads to another RIDICULOUS firing angle.... I SWEAR TO CHRIST I'M GONNA.... I'M GONNA..... I'm gonna rub my hands together in anticipation for the first WCWF Nitro show where Jimbo takes his place at the announce table next to Schiavone and says, "Well, let's see if you have such a big mouth when the REAL Oklahoma is here!")

-Vince climbed back into the ring and simply said that contrary to someone's opinion, he is not the Devil. He DID say that seeing how the Devil is pretty powerful, they do have SOMETHING in common! (well, there's that.... and there's the fact that when one signs a WWF contract, where ANY AND ALL creations that one embodies is in fact, PROPERTY of the WWF.... you can say that signing a contract with the WWF is quite a bit like SIGNING YOUR SOUL AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!)

-Plus, watching the XFL is sort of like spending a few hours in Hell.

-Vince continued on about Austin.... all rather redundant....

-He moved on to say that the folks in Texas, some of them at least, all chipped in to get him a gift, a gift that is in that very box. He went to the box and opened it.

-He pulled out the corpse of TOM LANDRY!!!! WOW!!! WHAT A GIFT!!!

-He was a very SMALL guy, really.... plus his legs had disintegrated! He was wearing his trademark overcoat and derby!!!

-The corpse of Landry opened it's eyes (maggots fell out), opened it's mouth and shouted, "HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS?" before fully disintegrating into a pile of dust! (WOW!!!)

-No? Then replace "Landry" with any dead "Von Erich".... it'll work.

-No?? Then he pulled out ummm.... THE CORPSE OF LEE HARVEY OSWALD!!!! BEING HE MELTED INTO DUST HE SCREAMED, "I SWEAR, IT WAS CASTRO AND FRANK SINATRA, AND JIMMY HOFFA!!! WORKING TOGETHER!!!! I AM A PATSY!!!!! A PATSY DAMMIT!!!! HOW 'BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!"

-Actually, Vince pulled out a WHITE cowboy hat.... which proves that Vince has NEVER written for ScoopThis. (they are NOT good guys, they wear BLACK hats, remember?)

-Vince put on the hat and paraded around the ring, strutting and making a general ninny of himself. Goofing on Texans. He needs another Bischoff to kick his ass again.

-Finally, Vince shows what he really thinks of Texas by dropping the hat and stomping on it.... this, naturally, enraged....

-THE ROCK!!!! (they WOULD have used a wrestler more closely associated with Texas rasslin', but come on.... HBK is being a douche again, Terry Funk is old, Dory Funk is ancient, Kevin Von Erich is still smarting from the mass family death thing, Gino Hernandez is dead, who would recognize Chris Adams? Who would care if Brian Adidas stepped out? Skandor Akbar and the Missing Link would be laughed at. Terry Gordy would get lost in his own hotel room. And Blackjack Mulligan might be dead Kendall Windham's phone was disconnected and EVERYONE in the WWF was freaked out by Barry Windham's constant phone messages that said, "I'll be the Widowmaker.... I'll be the Stalker.... I'll pull Rotunda out of mothballs and we'll re-form the US Express.... PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET ME IN THE GIMMICK MATCH!!!!!" 

-with such slim pickings, of COURSE it's the Rock who has to come out.

-Vince did that over the top GULP of his.... oh God, where's Bischoff when you need him?

-Rock stalks at the entranceway.... that WHITE STRING on his sweatpants dangling saucily (huh?) 'round his groin. To symbolize.... he's GAY!!!! (sorry, I just noticed that I didn't make one gay joke yet.... and apparently, I still haven't)

-Rocky didn't have anything "Rockyish" to say, he just demanded a title shot, tonight... IN TEXAS! 

-Vince said that this won't be happening.

-The Rock re-iterated his desire for a return match.... (he's got MOVIES to make, dammit, time is money!).... so he will just have to make Vince change his mind. With that, he stormed to the ring.

-Rocky hits the ring and circles Vince. Vince told him to calm down. There WILL be no match tonight, and if he lays "one hand" on Vince, he will....

-Rocky cut him off mid-sentence and says that Vince gets one more chance to change his mind.

-Vince gets mad.... and begins a STERN warning, (which is a HELLAVA lot better than a MANC.... oh this has "lame" written all over it). Rocky nailed him.

-Rocky put Vince in the Sharpshooter!!! (BRET HART SAYS F-YOU FROM THE GRAVE, YOU WIG WEARING HUMP!!!!!) Vince screams in faux pain. Rocky relinquishes it and says, "Do I get my MATCH?" Vince barks, "YES, DAMMIT, YES!!!" Rocky leaves.

-Vince gets up and makes it a steel cage match. 

-so, all this time, Limp Bizkit telling us that "one more fight, and I'll be history", was actually a LIE and it was actually the SECOND TO LAST fight? For the love of.... WELL, I HOPE THAT FREDDIE REALLY DID DO IT ALL FOR THE "NOOKIE" AT LEAST!!! LYING RAT TRAMP!!!!

-commercials.... FINALLY....

-Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.... why?

-footage from moments ago, in case you spent the last 80 minutes thinking, "God, Nitro sure has some long ass commercial breaks!"

-The Radicalz came out minus Dean Malenko and minus Chris Benoit. They DID bring a fruity little fuzzy hat on Saturn's fruity little fuzzy head. Oh, wait.... there's Dean.

-Test came out and stood at the entranceway. Eddie gets on the mic and says "Hey, Homie!" (WHOA!! Damon Wayans is there?? In his Clown get-up?)

-Eddie rags on Test for dropping the Euro strap, AND being outnumbered. Test just smiled.

-Suddenly, the APA came out! It WAS a 6 man tag!!! Oh Thank Ye GODS!!!

-The match got underway. Ross commented that Benoit was no longer associated with this crew, "but Guerrero, Saturn, and Malenko are still tight!" Alas, the same can't be said about Terri.

-Bradshaw took a Radical(z) beating.... was managed to tag in Test, who keecked azz.

-Test yanked Terri from the ring apron and hoisted her up for the pump handle. (heh, lotta lines there.... none of them very good). Saturn yanked her away (change of pace.... usually it's TERRI who's doing the yanking), Test turned around and MASHED Saturn right in the mush with a boot! (ah the deadly web of words that I spin!!!)

-Test got the pin. The new booking year begins with a possible PUSH for TEST??? Perhaps a little message to a certain Mr. "Big Sexy"?? 

-eh.... one solid shoot on the microphone and Nash'll have our asses in the palm of his hand

-backstage, William Regal is on the phone. Stephanie shows up to make sure that Trish will show up tonight. Regal assures her that Trish will be there. Steph whips the table to EMPHASIZE that she can't wait to go through with this!! Why do I get the feeling that Meryl Streep did NOT start out this way?

-Chyna's in & out rousting of Ivory was paid for by "Lugz".... Yes, the hard labor of a thousand Malaysian children made this highlight clip possible. God Bless America.

-Heyman shows off the new (I think it's new) WWF Divas magazine and offers to "rub salve" on any of Trish's wounds after the whipping match tonight. Ross quietly waits for Heyman to finish. As creepy as Heyman is, I still don't miss Lawler, yet. Ross clearly does, however.

-select clips from WM. TLC deuce is highlighted.

-Backstage, Vince makes sure that Regal "knows what to do" when it comes to Steph/Trish. Regal certainly does, this time around. Vince takes off to "attend to other matters", (re-aligning his hair, I hope, is his first priority.... it's a MESS tonight!)

-Hunter Hearse Helmsley is ON site.... (and he is THE MAN!!!!!!!!!!!). Michael Cole catches up to him to ask how he feels about dropping a big match to the Undertaker? (GOD BLESS THE BASTICH FOR IT!!!!!) HHH says that for 364 days a year, he kicks ass and takes names.... so who cares if on ONE night he takes a loss? He got off on the match. He loved the pain! Cole then asked about this whole Austin/Vince union and did he know about it. HHH strongly hinted that no, he did NOT know. HHH left. Cole stood there looking stunned that SOMEONE FINALLY answered his questions for a change!

-Trish is in the building, and she has a strap! And she's softly whipping her HAND with it! (ahh, there's a fantasy for every bald 40something male who's been married to a fat chick for the last 15 years.... not that *I would know what a bald, 40something male who’s been married to a fat chick for 15 years would think.... no siree.... uh uh.... err....

-COMMERCIALS!!! (thankbloodychrist)

-The RTC have a huddle.... Stephen Richards has decided that the best course to continuing this gimmick will be to win the Hardcore title! (Pictures of Kane in a shirt and tie with his mask still on come to mind, and I have to tell you, it's a pretty funny image)

-Stephanie McMahon comes to the ring. Ross talks about how last night was
"Dysfunctionalmania". (heh.... he should've been at my Aunt Harriet's house the night Uncle Drake announced that he's spent the last six months playing "Farmer John milks the cow" with their pool boy, Tito. It was the same night Cousin Jenny announced that she's turned to Satanism and tried to sacrifice Joey, their pet Goldfish. That was a Hell of a Christmas. Other than the fact that my Dad got really drunk, dressed up as Santa, and refused to let me get off his lap. The more I squirmed, the more he shouted, "HO, HO HO!!", it was pretty cool, actually.

-Trish came out. Steph ran up the aisle and attacked her.

-Things hit the ring.... well, the girls did.... I shouldn't call them "things".... they are not objects, they are PEOPLE!!! REAL PEOPLE WITH REAL EMOTIONS!!!!!

-eh, Trish has enough plastic on her to qualify her as a cyborg, at the VERY least.

Click Here For Part 2!!!

-Steph is the first to strap.... because IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PRINCESS 

-Trish with the bulldog.... Trish whips Steph.... because IT'S A NEW YEAR, IT'S A NEW PROGRAM!!!!

-hey HEY HEY HEY!!!! Notice how Steph's ass does not move.... not even a RIPPLE, when it gets whipped!! You expect me to believe that her ass is THAT toned??? Give me a break!! 

-STEPH PADS HER ASS!!!!!!! THAT IS A PROTECTED BOOTY!!!!!!

-Steph falls out of the ring.... runs to the announcer's area.... gets Lillian Garcia in between them, SHOVES Lillian into Trish. They both go down. (Lillian gets abused more than Kim Basinger after another Alec movie bombs out)

-Steph gets BOTH whips and starts whipping.... Trish is/was a fitness trainer, she has an EXCUSE for a tight little arse.

-Trish whips the HELL out of Steph's butt.... ah, so it's padded, who cares.... you wouldn't turn it down either, so don't even BOTHER trying to deny.

-Regal shows up and takes down Trish. The double team goes down.

-Jericho runs out. Regal is tossed. He chases Stephanie away. His music plays. Exactly who is the prankster that told Jericho that curling the bottom inch of his straight hair is a good idea?

-commercials. Let this be a lesson to EVERYONE who wants to start a football league.... if you want to be taken seriously, NEVER hire a coach named "Rusty".

-Steph and Regal SCREAM at each other. Amid the FURY, we learn that Jericho will work a handicap match against Regal and Kurt Angle tonight.

-Rhyno stomps the ever loving SNOT out of Crash Holly. Molly Holly gets a big spear too. It's called the "Gore". Rhyno is the baddest mutha to ever come down the pike since Goldberg (GB gets the edge, however).

-Kevin Kelly tries to get Debra's thoughts on what's happening. Debra cannot comment, no, really, she CAN'T.... nobody gave her a script. The cue cards are blank. 

-commercials

-Vince comes out with the WWF title on his shoulder. Because God knows WE NEED ANOTHER 20 MINUTE DRONE SESSION!!!!!!

-Vince is on the stick and says that he couldn't help but notice a few "boo's" in the arena for Austin.... in Texas.... against a BLACK MAN?!!?!? What the Hell happened to Texas? They all go and get LIBERAL while our backs were turned?

-Vince admonishes the crowd for booing.... saying that "each and every one of us have to SUCK UP to their Boss and kiss their ass every single day!!" (yeah, but we also slip Ex-Lax in their Egg Salad when they aren't looking.)

-With that said, Vince introduced "Texases own" (ooph, that sounded retarded)....

-Steve Austin comes out.... each corner gets a mount and a pose (HE'S STILL A FACE AFTER ALL!!!!! THANK GOD!!!)

-Meanwhile, Ross tells Heyman to kiss his ass. All those years with Lawler and not ONCE did he say that. A month with Heyman and Jimbo's ready to re-open Auschwitz.

-Vince presents Austin the belt, calling him the only man DESERVING to hold the WWF title. (the sound you just heard was Vince Russo's head exploding)

-Austin yanks the mic out of Vince's hand. NOW HERE COMES THE ANSWERS!!!! HERE COMES SOME TRUTH!!!!!

-He says that now that he has the title, and he has Vince alone in the ring.... well, if we want to see him whip Vince McMahon's ass, give him a "Hell yeah"

-Damn fools did just that.

-Austin asked them to repeat it. Damn morons did.

-Austin said it wasn't going to happen. Big boos. 

-Austin asked, "Like I am to grant you your every wish? Like I'm gonna let you feed off me, sponge off me?" IS HE THEIR TRAINED MONKEY???

-Austin said that everyone in the building is like everyone else.... they're all thinking "Why, Stone Cold, why?" (Actually, at the time I was thinking about tucking my pee pee in between my legs and doing a Silence of the Lambs dance in front of my mirror.... I ended up doing it, by the way.... and I felt SEXY)

-Austin said that he had a big explanation.... with small words for Texas.... and he'll get to it...

-as soon as he called someone a (bleep), then announced that he can whip anyone in one particular section's ass! (Must be where the WCW guys were seated)

-.... anywhoo.... the OFFICIAL explanation is.... is.... OH COME ON, YA BASTARD! LET'S SEE HOW THESE WRITERS CAME UP WITH THIS MASSIVE LEAP OF ILLOGIC!!!!

-Oh, he had no reason.... basically he told us to mind our own damn business.

-Instead, he ran down the Rock, saying that "putting MR. McMAHON down in this ring was something you just don't do!" (Heyman caught on to the fact that he said "Mr. McMahon" for the first time.... I'll be honest, it flew right by me at first)

-He told the Rock that he is NOT a 24 hour champ.... (the honor still belongs to Bret Hart), and he's gonna blah blah beh

-Vince chimed in, "And that's the bottom line, because MR. MCMAHON SAYS SO!!!"

-That ended the bit. Ross held back tears, for the tenth time that night, he wondered if this wasn't just a bad dream. (no, the night he turns around and sees Mark Madden sitting next to him, THAT'S when he'll know he's still in dreamland)

-HHH was watching this from the back.

-So was the Rock

-commercials

-The RTC fought Kane and lost. You really need more?

-Okay.... Heyman was TORMENTING Ross about this Austin thing.... Ross got SO STEAMED that he said, "You better step off, Jack, or you’ll be back in the Bingo Hall... ALONE!!! (Jesus.... ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a glimpse of the REAL Jim Ross.... the one who inspired Mark Madden to say "God froze JR's face for every person he ever stepped on")

-and guess what.... Heyman STEPPED OFF.... poor bastard was rendered speechless for a good MINUTE. Oh, I just KNOW he was pissed, shocked, and insulted

-ever the pro, Paul turned the RTC gimmick into a nice way to bitch to Ross about trying to censor HIM about Steve Austin.

-Maybe by next week, or maybe by Smackdown, but Ross WILL get punked by Stone Cold.... just to make sure we all know he's a HEEL.

-oh, and the Undertaker ran out and helped his bro kicked RTC arse

-backstage, HHH yelled at Regal. Regal called Hunter "Sunshine". Regal for PM!!

-commercial

-HHH finds Vince and SCREAMS at him.... he's so mad that he flubs his lines. Vince has no answers for him. HHH turns over a table. can you tell I'm in "End of Nitro" mode? Did you ever GET to the Nitro recap to SEE the "End of Nitro" mode? Jerks. 

-Y2J comes out. No mic work. Jeeze, I'd stick a mic in the kid's hand every week.

-Regal came out. His chest is still all red from Jericho last night, (a-hem.... whether those welts occurred before, during, or AFTER the show was not specified.... and he's British.... anything's possible)

-Angle is out. It is two on one. Let's go.

-Regal hammers Jericho in the corner. Jericho answers with a flying dropkick, then he knocks Angle down, then he hits Regal with a Springboard Dropkick.

-Angle is back at it. Jericho goes for the Walls. Regal with a solid kick right into prettyboy's face that HAD to be stiff.

-FUNNY MOVE.... Jericho reverses a Regal whip into the corner. Regal runs into it. Regal TRIES to jump onto the second rope, decided "F-It", and stops himself. HAW.... now THAT'S a cool move.... deciding midway to stop.

-Flying Single Hand Bulldog followed by a Lionsault. Angle breaks up the count.

-Angle crotches Jericho on the top rope.... Regal hits the Double Underhook Superplex.

-Angle is in. Olympic Slam.

-Regal is tagged because he wants the pin. Jericho kicks out. Angle is getting upset.

-Bouncing off the ropes, Angle slams Jericho across the back with a chair, which leads into the "Regal Drop" (which really is a silly move). Regal gets the pin.

-They still doubleteam the punk. Ross, thoroughly disgusted with the night thus far, gets upset, "Okay now, that's ENOUGH!!!" 

-Kirk Angel hits the Ankle Lock (isn't it high time Ken Shamrock shows up to BITCHSLAP SOME OLYMPIC ASS?????). Out comes Chris Benoit to chase the Heels away. Ross is so flustered, he calls Benoit "Jericho".

-Benoit and Jericho don't shake hands or anything.... but a staredown of mutual respect is apparent.

-earlier tonight, Shane O'Mac showed up at WWF New York.

-commercials

-Billy Gunn vs X-Pac. The winner is anyone with a full battery in their Fast Forward remote.

-commercials

-The cage is being set up. So time must be munched upon. Clips and a description of the McMahon vs McMahon match help to that end.

-It's interesting that Heyman can sit there and not say a peep as Ross claims never to have seen ANYONE do a Fly-Across-The-Ring-From-The-Top-Rope-And-Dropkick-Someone-In-The-Opposite-Corner before in his 25 years in the biz.

-Speaking of Shane, he does a cross country interview with JR. Shane's eye is mighty black. He talked up his match, his performance, and his new company. The crowd chants "WCW, WCW".... now I'm thinking that their new agenda is to drive Eric Bischoff to suicide.

-The Rock cuts Michael Cole off mid-sentence and says that Stone Cold can't EVER beat him, so he had to resort to evil hijinks. That bandage on his head really puts an emphasis on his hairline's recession.... whoa. We're five years away from having the Samoan Gene Okerlund.

-commercials

-The Rock comes out. He gets in the cage.

-Austin is out. He WANTS to get in the cage, but keeps back off whenever the Rock draws near. (Oh come on.... HE'S NEVER, EVER DONE THAT BEFORE!!)

-Oh, and Vince was out to introduce him.

-Finally, Austin slams the cage door on Rocky's head and pulls him inside. We get a bit of a brawl outside.

-My God.... the Heel Austin actually SELLS PUNCHES!!!! 

-It gets back in the ring.... well, not really "back" since it never started in there in the first place....

-Austin gets some control. He slingshots Rock into the corner, then dumps him.... in a funky way. (heh.... recap THIS, bitch)

-Austin's bleeding.

-He goes for a pin. No deal.

-He asks for, and gets a chair.... compliments of Vince.

-Rocky gets off the Sharpshooter. For the second time in two nights a bloody Austin is trapped in the Sharpshooter. If only the Rock was a white Canadian with greasy hair.... he's have TWO WHOLE WINS on the guy by now!

-Austin couldn't reach the ropes, so he tapped out. (HOW DOES A GUY GO FROM PASSING OUT IN LIEU OF QUITTING TO TAPPING OUT WITHIN 3 SECONDS OF GETTING THE HOLD PUT ON HIM OVERNIGHT???? GIVE ME A F-ING BREAK!!!)

-Vince distracted the ref. The Rock dropped the move and gave Austin the Spinebuster. Then the People's Elbow.

-Vince pulls the Ref out of the ring. They bicker. The Ref shoves Vince down and gets back in.

-Back in the ring, Rock puts Austin in the Rock Bottom. Vince crawls into the ring and cranks the ref.

-Rocky gets up and throws Vince across the ring. He shuts and locks the cage door.

-Bad move.... it becomes a double team.

-Out comes the Game.... with a sledge hammer. Because A FACE TURN MUST OCCUR IN ORDER TO RESTORE BALANCE TO ANY SELF RESPECTING COM...

-HHH nails Rocky with the hammer.... hey, I'm the douchebag who once said that Raven would make a "splendid Kane".

-Austin took a chair and hacked away on the Rock. He was righteously squished.

-Beers all around. Ross blamed it all on Darryl Strawberry.

-The show ended.

Okay, change is good.... and the night after WM is all about sweeping changes. BUT....

What Face can deal with HHH and Austin? I mean, the Undertaker will be good for one, maybe two PPV's, but that's it.

How can Austin be buds with the guy who almost had him KILLED? (kayfabe speaking, of course)

How do you explain Vince suddenly finding Austin a SUITABLE champion?

Will this turn into a Scott Steiner deal where each month, Austin destroys someone different?

Eh, who cares, WCW is in the picture, (and I don't believe for a second that they will wait a year before doing some big cross promoting.... this is more like they had this goldmine suddenly drop in their laps and they are proceeding slowly and with caution), some new guns may get their shots and things look awfully interesting for the next few months.

RAW wins.... methinks this might be an ongoing trend for a while, call me crazy.

Closer time.

And thus, another Wrestlemania has passed, the climax to a long year's worth of storytelling Some Wrestlemania's are rather dull.... some are just average, but when they have all their pistons firing, Wrestlemania lives up to expectations and is the crown jewel of the wrestling year. 

This year's offering was one of those crown jewels. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING came together just this side to perfectly. The men and women all worked their asses off, the Astrodome crowd was into every single match, and every match had a solid ending. For this one night, winners and losers weren't defined by who got pinned, but who brought their best effort to the table and took it to the next level. In this context, goddam almost everyone won!

The show had everything, wild brawls, clinics on the pure science, nostalgia and comedy. Four hours of effort.... WELL WORTH the money I spent, and you spent.... unless you had a black cheater box.... then you got it for free and have NOTHING to complain about.... jackass.

So, here are some thoughts I had while watching the show.... I know, I know.... friggin' EVERYONE did this already.... but I'm the coolest, so my thoughts mean more.... f-you.

-During that opening production that set up the show.... where all people from different walks of life are watching the show.... I just have to wonder, how are they watching the show on those little TV's when YOU NEED CABLE OR A SATELLITE HOOK-UP???? 

-And why is a Chinese, or Japanese, or one of those "eses" smiling for Yokozuna when YOKO WAS A SAMAON?????? 

-"A Celebration of Life"... someone explain that one to me, please. 

-Now I'm wondering if the WWF bought WCW JUST in time for WM just so they could steal the trademarked phrase "The Grandaddy of them ALL" away from Starrcade?

-Regal vs Jericho: Traditional, standard fair.... but it gave Regal his first huge match to show the confused why he has a cult following. 

-Bradshaw's speech on how special the Astrodome is to him was WAAAY too hokey, plus he looked like he was reading off cue cards.

-The big six man match was harmless enough. Tazz must have been FREAKING over the size of the crowd he was playing to. Stephen Richards too, quite frankly.

-ANY possible surprise with Trish turning on Vince was shot to shit during her little skit with Stephanie telling her to go .... oh, I just don't feel like getting into this. Trish's facial expressions blew the screwjob, let's leave it at that.

-The Big Show has been doing SO WELL since coming back.... why does Ross keep talking about "reaching his potential" with him? For God's sakes.... give the big doofus a break.

-Why does everyone say that Kane can't work? He worked his ASS OFF.

-I think once Raven went through the window Mart Jannetty yelled from his recliner at home, "WELL, YOU'RE CAREER'S F***ED NOW, PEARL JAM BOY!!!"

-How can you NOT like a hardcore match when it uses golf carts?

-Jimmy Snuka at WWF New York. One day, I'd like to get really drunk with him, then smash a coconut over his head and scream, "AM I MAKING FUN OF YOU??"

-Eddie Guerrero vs Test: Nice little showcase for Eddie, and the Saturn/Malenko assisted screw job ending was accepted because they still like Test, they just don't know what to do with him yet.

-You gotta love the part where Eddie had to help get Test's foot off the ropes. It's okay Eddie.... only A BILLION PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD are watching you break kayfabe. 

-Angle and Benoit was a CLINIC! The type of clinic Arn Anderson would have been proud of. I am SO glad the crowd appreciated it. Benoit should move up the ranks now and have a second, or third from the top match at next year's show.

-The bit with Kamala on Steve Regal's desk? KAMALA RULES!!!! How did Al Sharpton NEVER get upset over a long running gimmick where a fat black guy hops around like a monkey? 

-Oh, methinks Lita knows just how cool a hummer is.... look at that face.... it was born to "hum".

-Who dressed Chyna? P-Diddy? Is that outfit from his line?

-Okay, so Chyna sleptwalked through her match, but it was so quick.

-Ew.... lose the shaggy curls, babe

-You know why Shane does those crazy spots? Because he knew early on that the audience would look down on this nepotism unless he proved right away that he belongs in the biz. 

-I'm amazed that they are keeping Shawn Stasiak around.... kids, the man was fired by Jim Ross in FRONT OF EVERYONE!!! Do you realize how BADLY one must screw up in order to have that happen? 

-that's a nice mouse on Shane's eye.... my God, IT WAS ALL REAL! 

-Lamest move of the night was seeing Steph, "trip" so Trish could catch up to her. Of course, Stephanie's idea of a trip is to lift her arms up and fall down. Weak, weak, WEAK!!

-Yo want to know the difference between THIS TLC match and all the others? I think THIS is the first TLC match scripted out entirely by Paul Heyman. It had a TOTALLY ECWish vibe going, and not because four of the people involved were in ECW either.

-I'm telling you, this Rhyno is going to be HUGE.

-How cool was it when they showed old "The Bobby Heenan Show" clips when Heenan came out? BUT WHERE WERE THE OINKETTES??? 

-Why am I doing Scherer, all of the sudden?

-Okerlund and Heenan.... so friggin' cool.... both men having a ball.... Heenan sounded a little off his game. maybe he had a few martinis before go time (his drinking problem, as alluded to by the Torch, then picked up by EVERYONE ELSE as if it were common knowledge.... losers). The visible sweat on Bobby's head didn't help much either.... nor did the fake smiles they put on their faces when they noticed the cameras were on them.... but Ross and Heyman seemed to enjoy the break.

-HEENAN RULES: Part 1: The way he bounced back after using the name "Tony" on WWF television. Ross chuckled.

-They should've put Tenta in the Golga mask again.

-HEENAN RULES: Part 2: "By the time the Iron Shiek gets to the ring, it'll be Wrestlemania 38!"

-I look at the Iron Shiek and I can't help but wonder.... did he EVER not suck?

-Useless fact to amaze the babes with.... the Goon gimmick was originally intended for Chris Jericho early on. No wonder Jericho went to Japan, then WCW

-HEENAN RULES: Part 3: Okerlund, "Here comes Doink! You gotta love this guy!" Heenan, "Why?" (I swear, I was ROARING off that line.... it started my bird so much that he flew off his cage, into the next room, and right into my recycle bin.)

-HEENAN RULES: Part 4: Heenan, "The REPO MAN!! Last week, he repoed his own car!!" Okerlund, "About five years ago he got my Mother-In-Law!" Heenan, "About four year ago EVERYONE got your Mother-In-Law!"

-HEENAN RULES: Part 5: (Repo Man) "Personal trainer to the Lone Ranger."

-Why did they put a "C" in "Nickolai Volkoff"? It's NIKOLAI!!!!

-Anyone else look at balding, chubby Michael Hayes come out (TO HIS BAD STREET SONG!!!! BOYAAAA) and think, "My God, HBK got OLD!!!" I sure did.

-props to Okerlund for referencing the old alliance between Tugboat and Earthquake.... not exactly a partnership tattooed in the minds of old school marks.

-Man, Hillbilly Jim always looks so happy, doesn't he? He must really love the biz.

-I was really.... REALLY thinking that this was the perfect shot to bring Hulk Hogan out.... I knew he would never agree to it, but it was just so fitting.

-The Battle Royal was fun, Heenan and Okerlund were good.... but Heenan definitely lost a few steps over the years.... that's why there were only 5 memorable lines.... the rest sucked.

-Okerlund, as Slaughter and the Sheik exchanged final, silly ass shots, "Slaughter has won the battle, but I'm not so certain that he has won the war!!" Oh please.... unless Okerlund's plugging a series of Indy shows in the future, that statement was damnright STOOPID!

-Heenan pulling his hand away from Okerlund's.... oldest trick in the book.... BUT THE BASTARD MADE IT FUNNY!!!!!!!

-HHH vs The Undertaker.... go here" for this one. Both men rule. 'nuff said. I thought for a second that they actually got Limp Bizkit to do "Rollin'" for the UT.... but I guess Freddie and the boys are a bit too expensive for one song. Plus, there was the outside chance Stephanie would've woken up on Monday with "Property of F. Durst" tattooed just above her chooch.

-Why remind us that Debra was the Rock's manager when she doesn't even show up for the match?

-OKAY.... ENOUGH WITH THE BIZKIT, PLEASE?????

-Ooo, they leave in the word "shit" in the song.... THE ATTITUDE IS BACK!!!!

-How do you make a good match great? Pencil-in 50 kick outs.

-It says a lot for these two guys that after SUCH a great undercard.... and even though they've done this dance before on this show.... they STILL blow people away!

-You gotta love how Austin just windmills his arms all crazy-like when he dives on Rocky for a pin. Well, you don't "gotta" love it.... you don't "gotta" love anything. In fact, the fact that I love it makes me a bit of a loser.... doesn't it?

-argh, those damn cheap ass knee braces, the ALWAYS fall apart at the worst times.

-Vince helping Austin.... Austin going heel. It's cool and all.... a nice switch up, and well needed for the Austin character, but it STILL makes no sense.

-Ross, "SONOFABITCH!!!! SONOFABITCH!!!! I THOUGHT I KNEW THAT MAN!!! I WAS THERE AT THE HOSPITAL WHEN HE CAME OUT OF SURGERY!!! WHY, STEVE AUSTIN, WHY!!! HE SOLD HIS SOUL TO SATAN AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!" Which is ALMOST as bad as the time Schiavone went into near tears after Dusty Rhodes joined the NWO and whispered to Mike Tenay, "Our children played together!!" 

-Ross and Heyman had some missteps and moments of confusion, but give them a break. They are still getting used to each other, had little time to prepare, worked a FOUR HOUR SHOW, and I think Jimbo misses the King a little.

That's all I have. Sort of longish, but the show deserves a nice blah blah blah...

HEY, for many of you, who always skipped the Nitro recap, this is your first closer! Hi!

Well, next week, a Mop-Up RAW, an And Another Thing, AND the DEBUT of a BRAND NEW Mop-Up. You will either LOVE IT, or read it once, shoot me off a flame mail, never check it out again, and hit every message board there is talking about how lame I am. Trust me, if I were you, and the only means I had to get my very important opinion across was through message boards, oh I'd rant about myself too. Ooo, I just SUCK. 

Bump uglies with yo' moms, bizziotch

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